Love is Not for Cowards is a book about daring to love - daring to share your most inner thoughts and feelings with your partner, even if you are worried about their reactions. Birgit says many of us fall into the trap of not being upfront about these things - we expect our partners to read our minds and then get upset when they get it wrong. Or we resort to doing things we dont want to do in a relationship, being aggressive and believing we know better, or by distancing ourselves from our partners, all because we are too frightened to be upfront about what we truly want or feel....and then ending up in an argument.
Birgit explains how it is only when we accept ourselves that we can have a truly fulfilling relationship, and she demonstrates how we can do just that.
"Love isnt for cowards and neither is this book ... Be prepared to face some 'inner' stuff that could just help you have an amazing relationship and live happily ever after - after all!" - Bianca Dye, Nova 969
Falling in love is the easy part. We all know about the exhilaration of the new relationship. But later on when difficulties arise, couples may begin to argue and fight. When two people in a relationship are overwhelmed by conflicts that seem insolvable they often believe that it is due to a lack of love. But this is the moment when you should stop blaming your partner and take a look at yourself.
For our relationships to become strong we need to be truly honest, which requires great courage, as we are entering our most vulnerable areas. We have to be prepared to confront issues in our past.... issues that we may not even be fully aware of... especially those from our early childhood.
Leading Danish psychotherapist Birgit Weber works with couple to help them voyage into these sensitive areas. She knows that it is only through such journeys that we can transform our relationships.
Her book 'Love is not for Cowards' is about daring to lvoe. We have to learn to brave and share our inner feelings and thoughts with our partner without worrying about being rejected or their reactions.
Unfortunately, many people believe that conflicts should be avoided at all costs because they see them as a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
But according to Birgit Weber, conficts are natural in a relationship, and paradoxically, avoiding them can often lead to separation, instead of the development of a deeper relationship with our partner.
According to Weber: "When we get involved in a relationship we expect to receive instead of give. Both partners wait around for the other one to do something to make them happy. In this way a relationship can become nothing but waiting."
"Happiness does not come from the outside. In order to become happy we need to learn to love ourselves and not to need our partners acceptance in order to obtain self-esteem. Real closeness only arises when you dare to open up for real. That is the only way of being happy in a relationship."
She suggests our fear of rejection or abandonment can stem from our childhood, if we didn't feel that our parents believed our needs and feelings, or showed us it was ok to feel the way we did. Weber explains how these mechanisms from our childhood lie behind the misunderstandings we can experience with our partner.
In our relationships we often avoid getting in touch with ourselves and addressing the conflicts we experienced as a child, and instead we manipulate and critise our partner. We do this in three different way: by giving in to our partner and doing things that we do not feel like doing; by being aggressive and believing that we know better; or by pulling ourselves away and gaining distance.
Author: Birgit Weber
Why do I always fall for the wrong type?
The wrong and right man or woman do not exist - you fall in love with the person you need in order to develop. So you need to address the issues within yourself that are causing you problems.
If for example you are the kind of person who for years has accepted being rejected sexually or rejected in other ways, it is because you have somehow learned that your needs are wrong. Hence, you need to investigate how you have learned this as a child, and how it affects you now as an adult.
If you are the kind of person who feels that their partner is taking advantage of them, then it is because you feel you need to say yes to anything in order to be loved, because deep down you feel worthless. So you need to investigate how you learned to feel worthless when you were little.
If you are the kind of person who constantly needs your partner's acceptatnce it is because you did not get aceptance and backing you needed in your childhood. However childhood is over so you need to practise accepting yourself and recognise that your needs and wishes are valid even if your partner does not think so.
How do I get the closeness from my partner that I need?
Closeness is not something you receive, it something you give. When you share personal things about yourself - your thoughts and your feelings from the heart, whether it is joy, anger or grief - ou will feel closer to your partner. However, this requires you to care of your feelings and to know that they are some of the most valuable parts of you.
How do I maintain the love and passion in my relationship?
You maintain the love and the passion in your relationship if you do not stand by your thoughts, emotions, needs and reactions no matter if you might feel out on a limb or that you are in too deep.
How do I become satisfied in my relationship?
You need to look at yoursefl honestly. What part do you play in not being happy together? How do you manipulate and punish your partner to get your way? When you realise this it is e asier to change your behaviours, you have a better chance of making your relationship work.