Acme Guide

THE ACME GUIDE TO HOUSE HUNTING

A friend of mine once compared my lack of luck in love to Wile E Coyote, the accident prone cartoon character whose nemesis was The Roadrunner.

His point being everything I tried in the department of dating exploded in my face like an ACME DIY bomb. He went on to say that Wile E Coyote never got the Roadrunner and I never get the woman. I did however hear rumors in the 4th grade that Warner Bros made an episode of Roadrunner where the Coyote actually wins, but for legal reasons couldn't show it.

It turns out that not only is my Department of Dating being run by Wile E Coyote, so to is my current pastime. House Hunting, something that like dating always ends up with me being rejected and is also humiliating and awkward. To be more specific I'm talking about Share Accommodation Hunting.

I have taken to finding potential through the internet. It's a lot like speed internet dating, in so far as you actually make voice to voice contact after just one email. I know now why it's only after a minimum of about 10 emails that voice to voice contact is made in the world of internet dating; most normal sane people like you and me have our stomachs turned into butterfly aviaries when using the phone to organize a first date. Well let me tell you that a phone call is no easier when you are setting up a time to meet the people you could-be sharing a bathroom with.

I have so far only looked at 8 houses, I said no to one and seven said no to me. I am use to rejection I am after all a single male but I am certain that 4 of them rejected me because I made the initial call from an ACME phone. One that has the ability to blow up in your face.

Take $90 a week with 2 professional's 25year olds 1 male 1 female, for instance. They phoned me to set up an interview time and asked if I had any experience in share accommodation. I said no, but in an attempt to show them my razor sharp wit I added that I had watched The Golden Girls. Silence was my only reply. The next day after meeting the house I was rejected.

I wasn't disheartened by this because a few days later a little something with the description of $80 a week to share with 2 female students and 1 professional male phoned me. However the phone call came early Saturday morning. They wanted to see if the coming Monday at 5pm would be alright to come and meet them. It was early and I was just woken up and therefore I forgot my name, age and the fact that I work weeknights from 10-7pm. However I agreed to met with them. 2 hours later when I became less unconscious I had to phone them to explain my memory lapse and say yes I work from 10-7pm everyday. I was later rejected.

I didn't let it bother me; I threw myself into the task of organizing an upcoming party. I also saw another appealing advert along the lines of $410 a month 2 females looking for one male I registered my want and went back to arranging food for the party. It was then that Julia phoned, I was expecting this call, so I asked her how much she would charge for 200 party pies and 150 vou-la-vants and if the price on the website included punch. It turned out the caterer also shared the same name as the $410 a month 2 females looking for one male housemate, and I was in fact talking to the girl from the $410 a month house.

After meeting the girls and later getting rejected, I started to wish that my life could be more Disney and less Looney Tunes. You know floating on a magic carpet ride with Jasmine, not stuck down a rabbit hole escaping Elmer Fudd. Then it dawned on me I'd much rather house hunt the ACME way, than share a house with 7 very friendly dwarfs.


- Matt Simpson



Why not disscuss this topic > Males Unmasked