Have you ever been hurt by a friend?
Someone you thought you could trust but who later turned out to be an unexpected enemy? Well, you're not alone. Friendship breakdown is something most of us have experienced but few of us really talk about. The hurt of a broken friendship can haunt us for years.
Dr Jan Yager is a sociologist who has been studying friendship for more than 25 years. In this Australian and New Zealand edition of her highly successful book, When Friendship Hurts, Dr Yager explores the reasons why friendships end, how to decide whether to mend or end the relationship, and also how to stop obsessing about a failed friendship and move on. She says:
"Losing a friend can be confusing, hurtful and very difficult to overcome. I aim to help people understand what has happened and how to avoid going through the same situation in the future."
To research her book Dr Yager interviewed dozens of people - including men and women from Australia and New Zealand - about their experiences in friendships and, in particular, those that had gone wrong.
The responses covered a wide range of difficult experiences such as: 'A close female friend is jealous of me being married'; 'She told me she was sleeping with my boyfriend and tried to convince me we should share'; 'A casual friend started a rumour about me at work', and 'One of my best friends romantically pursued every woman I was interested in'.
While these situations may be different, the common factor in all these stories is the hurt and confusion they caused.
Using dozens of real-life examples and offering helpful tips and quizzes, When Friendship Hurts explores the ways to:
o identify the possible causes of a destructive friendship
o understand the 21 types of potentially negative friends and how to respond to them
o deal with betrayal
o decide if a friendship is worth saving
o rid yourself of a noxious friend
o negotiate friendships at work, and
o cultivate positive friendships.
Our friends are often as important to us as our families, so we are deeply affected when they disappoint or hurt us. When Friendship Hurts will help you find and keep the kind of friendships that will work for you.
About the author
Dr Jan Yager is an internationally-renowned expert in relationships, friendships and work issues. Jan has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, The O'Reilly Factor, and the Today Show and has been interviewed by The New York Times, Glamour and Harper's to name a few. Her numerous published titles include books on friendship, being single and business. Dr Yager has taught sociology, criminology and writing courses at the University of Connecticut, Pennsylvania State University, The New School, and other colleges and universities. In addition to her doctorate in sociology, Jan's educational background includes graduate work in art therapy and a Masters degree in criminal justice. She lives in Connecticut, USA.
When Friendship Hurts, How to deal with friends who betray, abandon or wound you
Author: Dr Jan Yager
1. The Promise -breaker - constantly disappoints you or breaks promises
2. The Taker - borrows and fails to return something precious or valuable to you.
3. The Double-crosser - betrays you big time
4.The Risk-taker - puts you in harm's way because of illegal or dangerous behavior
5. The Self-absorbed - never has time to listen to you
6. The Cheat - lies or steals your romantic partner
7. The Discloser - betrays your confidence
8. The Competitor - excessively combative with you and wants what you have (relationships, job, possessions)
9. The One-upper - always one up on you
10. The Rival - wants whatever you have and may try to take it from you
11. The Fault-finder - overly critical
12. The Downer - always negative, critical, and sad, and makes you feel that way too.
13. The Rejecter - dislikes you and lets you know it
14. The Abuser - verbally, physically, or sexually abuses you
15. The Loner - would rather be alone than with a friend
16. The Blood-sucker - overly dependent
17. The Therapist - needs to analyze everything and give you advice
18. The Interloper - overly involved in your life
19. The Copycat - Imitates you
20. The Controller - needs to dominate you or the friendship
21. The Caretaker - needs to be a friend's keeper, mother or nursemaid, rather than an equal.
We would like to hear your comments on friendship in our blog;
Why is friendship so important to us?
What are the main differences, if any, between friendships between men, and those between women?
Generally we accept that romantic couples fall out of love and move apart. Why do we expect our friendships to be any different and to last forever?
What are the things you do to stop a friendship from going bad?
Is honesty always the best policy when dealing with a negative friendship? Is it best to confront your friend and discuss the situation and how you feel?
Have you seen any warning signs that your friendship is heading for a breakdown?
How do you know when you've found a true friend?